WOULD THAT I HAD A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT
This isn’t breaking news, but Stuttering John from the Howard Stern show is going to be moving to the left coast to take over as the announcer for the “Tonight Show.” That’s right, a stutterer with a thick New Yawk accent will find himself bringing home $500,000 a year to speak. Only in America.
The ever-reputable Enquirer is running a story that claims “gangs of lesbians” are eagerly awaiting Martha Stewart’s arrival inside the federal prison in Danbury, Connecticut. And here I was, completely unaware that lesbian gangs existed. I wonder if they are as intimidating as their male counterparts — the Fab Five.
CHEW ON THIS
Singapore is reconsidering its ban on chewing gum and may allow the sale of Nicorette, a gum used as an aid in smoking cessation. It’s a slippery slope, though, and it’s probably only a matter of time before they allow therapeutic sales of Bazooka Joe. This definitely threatens to put a crimp in my plans to build a gum-selling empire just across the border in Malaysia.
A man with seemingly too little to do has created a 1,300 pound baseball. Word has it that researchers are already working hard to develop a steroid with 1,300 times the potency of the current crop.